I wrote you down in pencil
so I could erase you away
but your name still remains
indented on the page
–
RED – for the colour with which you filled my head
your fingers brushing on my leg
a thin line to tread between feeling as one in bed
and just screaming at each other in the street instead.
Our’s was the greatest story I’d ever read
made up of the worst words I never should’ve said
the most immersive dream
I never should’ve dreamt
I HAVEN’T WRITTEN ANYTHING WORTH ANYTHING IN MONTHS AND IT FEELS LIKE MY BRAIN IS DEFINITELY GOING TO EXPLODE.
I have lines and rhymes constantly swirling around in my head, but when I go to write them down they just disappear or lose whatever ‘magic’ my brain had foolishly imposed on them.
So much is happening and it feels like my voice has gone. I feel as though my only means of communication with the outside world has stopped and I’ve begun regressing back to my old state of isolation, silence and darkness. Ignoring phone calls from my friends, making shitty excuses to get out of socialising, taking irresponsible amounts of drugs alone, getting all too familiar with the sharp edge of my old pen knife – I feel like my teenage self again. I used to tell myself if our reality is only confirmed through experience, the more time I spent alone the more time I could pretend I didn’t exist. Then maybe I’d just drop out of this physical circumstance.
After I started writing I found a joie de vivre. I found beauty in the little things (and even the butters things). I found my smile. I found my voice. I found community. I found family.
I want to be strong enough to feel again. I want to write a poem I care so much about that I sob while writing it. I want to be able to say what I see. I want to know others feel lost and alone sometimes. I want to tell you you’re the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you to know I definitely would not be here today if it wasn’t for everything you did. I want to share so others can know they’re not alone. I want confirmation I exist. I want to be seen. I want to be heard.
I want to live.
For Lack of a Better Blog 