‘I’ve been seeing someone. No, not like that – like help, like back tracking. Like uncovering answers. You know I was never taught how to talk. It was always inappropriate. So it’s been nice, kind of like talking to a brick wall with a face.
Anyway, I’ve been regularly strolling down memory lane and one session arrived at you.
So many things passed that went not dealt with, no wonder it ended up like this. But none as important as what happened with me and you. Fingers brushed knees as a blush lingered on me. I could’ve said – should’ve said it all then. Fear got me here. Fear of the unknown, fear of the truth, of everything I always knew.
I’ve never felt for anyone the way I felt about you.
Remember after too much whiskey and too much wishing to find myself – I found myself on your doorstep. I found myself lost in your eyes. I found myself trapped by your smile. I found myself inside you and every bit of me I felt was missing were – I told myself – just lost parts of you too. The next morning I discovered my truth in your arms. That’s where it had been the whole time. I couldn’t believe it had taken me that long to notice.
But I’m British and stiff upper lip-ish. I had no previous notion on how to approach this.
I wanted to disperse atom from atom and disintegrate into a fine mist, feel clenched fists spread into open palms, becoming open arms as my heart rate slowed so calm. I wished to will myself out of existence, to become the air in your lungs, the oxygen in your system, the red in your blood.
I used to tell myself it was just a phase, just trying something new – but it’s really not that spontaneous when you repeatedly leave your friends to stumble to the door of that one person you just can’t bring yourself to ignore.’